I have not written anything significant for months. I have been busy rearranging my life. Life becomes very interesting when you take big steps to change your life after decades of living. It is funny how we get into these grooves in our lives. The things we have always done are the same. We follow the same patterns, drink the same things, use the same rugs and mugs, and follow the same routes in the same cars we have driven to the same jobs. We have the same arguments with the people we complain about, feel the same feelings, and are often even told that we will not change. It’s easy when given to depression, to stay in the pale years of life.

When I was younger, I wanted to challenge that. I remember thinking that I wanted to be different. I never imagined I would do it the way I am about to describe.

Loss and difficulty woke me up and jolted me from those patterns, the sameness –  decades of dust and weariness. It’s as if a fire blazed through the patterns, burning away everything that was there before leaving the ashes. Something better came out of those ashes.

I walked away from all relationships with men for the last three years. I walked away from my traditional job and became an independent contractor and writer. And a month ago, I purged two dumpsters of my old life.

What remains feels like the best of me. I feel like I have a better version of myself. I feel like a phoenix rising out of those ashes. Underneath all the junk were the gems of my life. The items that meant the most to me. The things in my life that make me who I am and the things that I  treasure. Not that things are to be treasured. But after moving through two marriages, having precious people that I love to pass away, and moving towards an age that most women feel irrelevant and unwanted, finding pieces of who I am, has given me unbelievable clarity.

My home looks like me. I was a young bride who embedded my DNA in her husband, and I lost myself early on. It is exhilarating to know ME and to finally meet ME. It is never too late.

The more I got rid of, the more I wanted to get rid of. I love the space and the echoes in my home now.

These changes have brought me to a place in life that has given me a new feeling- not happiness-but joy. This feeling is different because it is not about me as much anymore. It’s much more. It is about extending myself to others and becoming better for them- somehow, this makes the Christmas season brighter and more hopeful than ever. I have a reason to wake up, a reason to be healthy, and a reason to be productive. My heart is light and full because of purpose. Before, I was looking for what was in the season for me. Now, I’m looking for what I can bring to the season. I look for ways to bring more to others throughout my days and weeks; this is where the ongoing bright light burns.

Hundreds of years ago, on a dark, cold hillside, some everyday people saw a great light that gave them hope, and those shepherds took time to spread that hope to others.

That first Christmas was a simple night with everything stripped away. I believe it has taken some paring down and simplifying in my life. This helped me to understand something clearly, at last, more clearly than ever before. I know better now what matters to me, how to fill my heart and mind with a joy that endures and a hope that burns bright. It can be shared with the people around me.

Merry Christmas